Emotion and Connection

The other day, one of my clients asked me what you’re supposed to do when you’re experiencing normal human emotions, beyond the mindful calm I’ve described in other posts as a key to connection. She had recently experienced a burst of anger when her young horse nearly electrocuted himself when his mouthiness escalated to pulling a power cord, spooking, and stomping a box fan. The actual danger of the situation coupled with the anger at her horse led her to yell at him, which she would never otherwise do. She wondered if she could have handled it differently, when naturally she felt so mad and she just did what she felt.

Even the birds get angry and yell at each other sometimes.

This is such an important question, and I believe the answer will offer more hope and self-compassion for you readers than you perhaps expect.

It is 100% okay to feel however you feel.

Our emotions provide us with valuable information. They’re meant to be felt, not shut out or changed by will. Emotions teach us about ourselves and our environments, and after allowing our bodies to fully feel them, we can make wiser decisions on how we want to respond.

I believe that most of the time, in our culture, we are not actually fully feeling our emotions. We’re taught a dichotomy of positive and negative emotions. We’re taught not to be sad, and to pursue happiness as if the things we achieve in life will buy it for us. Boys, in particular, are encouraged not to cry or show fear. Girls are often discouraged from showing anger or frustration. Even our feelings of disappointment or feeling not-good-enough are attempted to be changed by giving every kid a trophy.

But how are children supposed to learn about themselves and their minds, bodies, and souls if society is only encouraging them to feel half of the range of emotions openly?

Well, as we all know, the avoidance of feeling negative emotions is in many ways ineffective. What many people end up with is a prolonged state of shutdown– they’re conditioned to shut out the actual feelings of the emotions. That pang in the stomach of embarrassment and the aching heart in sadness. The lungs full of loss. When we start to lose that, so too go the buzz of excitement and the vibration of joy.

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”

— Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

Many of us are taught not to be in our bodies and to think ourselves out of the “negative” emotions that come up. For example, when we feel insecure, instead of being encouraged to sit with that and explore what that actually feels like in our bodies, and where it comes from, we’re encouraged to pull ourselves up by our boot straps and transform the self-doubt into pride for all of the positive things we are and have done and will do.

There is a whole modality of psychotherapy based on the concept of cognitive distortions– when our thoughts stemming from an emotion are not accurate representations of our reality, and in turn create even more negative emotions. In cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), the therapist will talk to the client and help them think their way out of the “negative” emotions they’re feeling until they feel better, and their thoughts are reflecting their reality, and the emotions are no longer weighing them down. CBT helps many people, and I am by no means rejecting it as a therapeutic modality, but I share this because it did not help me, and I feel that the concepts behind it are wrapped up in a culture that discourages the full experience of emotions, and the personal development that comes with them.

I believe now that we’re meant to fully feel our emotions.

Perhaps there are moments in time when we benefit from putting them on hold, but I don’t feel that thinking your way out of everything is helpful. That leads you to live in your head, and out of your body.

There was a period of about 6 years when I was very depressed and anxious. Most of the therapy I went to was centered on using my mind to stop feeling the way I was. But at the same time, I was writing poetry that I could feel so deeply in my body and I didn’t completely know what it meant. I had feeling without knowing, and this part of me lived almost separately. My self as a poet was not the one in class or in the therapist's office or even the one at the barn, at this stage. I felt such deep emotions elsewhere in life, but when they were “negative” I tried to distract myself by staying super busy and trying to achieve highly enough to make myself feel better.

I have a very different way of managing my emotions now that serves me better, and I no longer struggle with depression or anxiety. Of course I still experience anxiety, as I am a mammal, but I experience it in a healthier way that teaches me about myself, my life, and my environment.

When an emotion comes up, “good” or “bad”, I allow myself to feel it in my body. Where do I feel it? What does it feel like? Is it moving? Is it pulling or pushing in any particular direction? Then I ask myself questions about its purpose. What is this emotion? Can I give it a name? Why am I feeling this emotion right now? What is it here to tell me? What can I learn from it?

Sometimes feeling an emotion fully requires our body to physically do something, like cry. It behooves us to allow this. So here’s where you can assess the situation and decide what actions might be wise to take. Perhaps it’s not an appropriate situation to cry, for some reason, so you might decide to excuse yourself. Or if the emotion is fear, perhaps in order to be safe, you really do need to run away. Or if you’re scared but in no real danger, you can evaluate whether it would help you to wish the fear well on its way out, and behave in a way to try to overcome your fear (after having felt it fully, that is).

Sometimes we need to take a strategy of radical acceptance– realizing we have a situation we can’t change, and ride out the emotion associated with it. Or sometimes, a mindful “zooming out” approach can help to see the full situation, and upon reflecting, without judgment, the emotion we feel may shift on its own as we find clarity. To be clear, this does not mean you should try to change your emotion. It’s allowing your emotions to exist and be felt, while using your wise mind to observe the situation and see how the thoughts and feelings change when you’re mindful. It’s not about convincing yourself to think a certain way either– it's the ability to see the reality in front of you accurately without clouding it with judgment. From there your thoughts, emotions, and energy can begin to get on the same page.

You’ll find that sometimes our emotions come up because we are reminded, or even triggered, by features of a situation that strongly affected us before, in another time or context. When we identify the emotion, where it came from, and what it's telling us as a warning from another time, the then wise mind can look at the present moment and transmute the emotion naturally when seeing clearly that this is not what you’ve experienced before– it’s what you’re uniquely experiencing now, and you are safe here.

But let’s say you view a situation mindfully and your gut is still panging at you. It’s saying “this is not right, something is not right.” Listen. Your body is telling you something important. If you can’t figure out what it is and address it, it’s okay to remove yourself from a situation or stop what you’re doing.

This awareness of the communication from your own body can save your life.

How many times have you ignored a gut feeling and regretted it later? Time to listen and be mindful.

So what in the world does this have to do with horses? Let’s consider how horses experience the world.

Horses have thoughts and emotions readily and clearly based on their environment, and are quickly able to alter behavior to keep themselves safe.

Their thoughts, feelings, and actions tend to be congruent. They also communicate to the herd through these energies and mental images. When one horse notices a potential threat in the environment, his head raises, eyes and ears perk onto the potential threat. That energy ripples throughout the herd, and the image of the potential threat is passed along. Then, action is taken. Either they decide it’s safe and go back to grazing, they investigate further, or they run to safety. The body continuously takes in new sensory information to update the nervous system and inform behavior. They are most certainly not standing around thinking it through or trying to get rid of their concern about the potential threat, but if you think about it, that’s what we often do!

A pony investigating a potential threat. The other horses are gradually feeling the shift in energy.

Now, of course trauma can disrupt this cycle, and create sustained responses from stimuli that resemble something that was once threatening, even if it’s no longer present. In that case, the nervous system may need to be slowly and carefully retrained and updated, but that’s the topic for another post.

Horses, unlike humans in our culture at large, are very good at being present and mind and body stay very connected. Thoughts, emotions and actions tend to be aligned.

Humans, as described before, are often incongruent. Our emotions, thoughts and behaviors can be vastly disconnected. This incongruence is a huge red flag for a horse– it can feel quite threatening. I can see horses warning each other that humans can be unpredictable! Their internal and external presentations don’t match! Funny, because we often accuse horses of being unpredictable, but it’s quite the contrary when we’re mindful.

Let’s go through an example situation:

Say you had a very stressful day at work. You’re exhausted and your boss seems unaware of how many projects you’re already working on and continues to pile on more. Not to mention all of the work you have to do at home. You feel a painful lack of attunement. You don’t feel seen or heard. This frustrates you. You feel disregarded and undervalued.

You go to the barn, thinking a ride on your mare will make you feel better. You can’t wait to go for a gallop through an open field and try to leave it all behind you. As you groom your mare, you run through the awful situations at your office. Then you reflect on the pile of dirty dishes and laundry heaping out of the laundry room. Your blood pressure rises. Your heart rate increases. Your face burns a bit red. You smile because you don’t want your barn friends to know anything is wrong.

Meanwhile your mare is picking up on your flustered energy. She’s feeling the accelerated vibration of your heartbeat. Simultaneously, she sees your smiling face and feels you grooming her like normal. Her eye locks onto you, frozen. Concerned by the incongruence and responding to the threat of your negative energy, she’s not going to be able to behave perfectly for you, unless she shuts down. She starts dancing on the cross ties and steps away from the mounting block. When you finally manage to get on, you can hardly get her to stop.

You say she’s not listening. She says you’re not listening.

Your thoughts, emotions, and energy are communicating a threat to your mare, while your body language (smiling, grooming, trying to act normal), are displaying complete lack of awareness of that potential threat, or from the clear communication from your horse. The energy always trumps the behavior with horses. You’ve just taught your mare is that you are incongruent, unaware, and willing to ignore your own body’s internal alarm system. To a horse, this means you are not safe to be around. Not to mention your inability to accurately take in what’s happening around you when your mind is still at work. The horse feels a lack of attunement, which harms the relationship.

What could you have done differently?

When you got off from work, the first step would be to allow yourself to feel those emotions fully and go through the process of asking questions and sitting with the feeling as I described before. Depending on how much time your body says it needs to process these emotions, you might either still have them when it’s time to go to the barn, or they may have transformed into something else.

Let’s say you’re still feeling the same way. You could decide to stay home. Or you could still go to the barn. There’s a way to solve the incongruence that disturbs your mare without magically making your emotions disappear. You can be real with her. But with that, if you’re going to get your mare out and allow yourself to show her these feelings, is it fair in that moment to ask her to take you for a ride? To give you her mind and body? Maybe not. Maybe it’s a better day to just groom her. Or if you don’t feel regulated enough to handle her at all, you might just watch her in the field. Hold space for each other. Talk to her about what you’re feeling, and listen to her. Sometimes horses can offer us the greatest wisdom if we listen.

These possibilities do, of course depend on how well regulated the horse is. If the horse is healing from trauma or has anxiety about working with you, bringing your emotions from work is only going to complicate and worsen your situation. Realize that the negativity coming from the eyes of a predator (which we are), is inherently threatening to a horse (a prey animal). Can horses learn to trust us and can we learn to communicate better so this isn’t such an issue? Yes, of course. But choose when and how you address these types of problems.

One more caveat– horses will sometimes take on your feelings. Sometimes this is referred to as mirroring, but it can go quite deep. I have even observed my own horse taking on the physical pain of another horse. When I asked him if that pain belonged to the horse I knew with that particular issue, he released it.

It is not the horse’s responsibility to take on the burden of your pain, nor is it your responsibility to take on that of the horse.

Gently ask the horse not to carry that which is not theirs. Ask the same of yourself. This is important.

Back to our situation with the hypothetical you and your mare. Let’s say that for some reason, you really need to get her out and work with her. There are skills you can use to delay the processing of your emotions to a more helpful time. If you can center yourself in the present moment with your horse, you’re unlikely to feel those same emotions that came up from work.

Start with a short breathing meditation. Close your eyes. Breathe in the space you’re in. Breathe out, relax your brow. Do it again, relaxing your jaw. And again, relaxing your shoulders. Again, relaxing wherever else you hold your tension. Find where the “negative” energy is being stored in your body and breathe it out through your feet, sending it back into the universe to be transformed into something positive. Open your heart to receive the communication from your horse. Open your eyes, and try to center your mind, heart, and body on that which is right in front of you. When your mind wanders, give yourself a pat on the back for noticing, and gently bring it back to whatever it is you need to do. Put extra awareness into the sensations of what you’re doing. As you walk, feel your feet touching the ground. As you work with your horse, notice what the eyes, ears, neck, chest, back, diaphragm, hind legs, tail, and everything else are doing. Feel the horse’s energy.

When we are able to focus on that which is right in front of us, be it our horse or the dishes we’re washing, we can experience thoughts and feelings relevant to that moment.

Then, when you get home and the time is right, you can return to processing the feelings from work and see what your body is needing you to take away from that experience.

At the end of the day, our emotions are important, even if they come up at inconvenient times. And if we want to develop ourselves, it’s in our best interest to listen to them and allow our bodies the depth of experience they offer. The good and the bad. The pleasant and the unpleasant. This is what the horses can teach us.